And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.
Yesterday was the silver anniversary of my marriage to Michael. Twenty-five years. Of course, Michael was not here to celebrate with me, and so the day was a difficult one. But it was also a day of reflection and sorting through happy memories.
When I married Michael, he made me promise, as part of our vows, that I would stay married to him for at least 17 years and 1 day. I was married to my first husband for 17 years, and that ended in divorce. Michael wanted to make sure that he lasted longer.
I stayed true to my promise and then some.
Our marriage wasn’t perfect by any means, but then, I don’t think any marriage is. When I told a friend the other day that our marriage had its difficulties, her eyes got wide. “What?” she said. “Really?”
Really. It shouldn’t be a shock, I don’t think. But the point is, despite the difficulties, we were still together, with no end in sight. Until a negligent driver changed all that.
I really ruminated over our 25th anniversary. We were supposed to be taking a cruise through Europe, a first for both of us – neither of us has been on a cruise, and neither of us has been to Europe. I canceled the trip while Michael was still in the hospital. It was pretty clear that it wouldn’t be possible, with all of the recovery we thought he had in front of him. I kept thinking back to my ex-husband’s parents’ twenty-fifth anniversary. I was still married to him then, and the whole family took his parents out to a lovely restaurant in Port Washington, WI. We gave them a silver tray with their names engraved on it, and the date of their marriage. I remember that I had prime rib, and had two grasshoppers for dessert. And I daydreamed about my own silver anniversary, when I would have children who would think to throw this kind of lovely party and gift me and my husband a beautiful, but you know, useless, silver tray.
That first marriage didn’t make it to twenty-five years.
And now, my second marriage, the one that was lasting, didn’t make it either.
Technically.
I really perseverated. And felt angry.
And then I thought…I’m going to celebrate it anyway.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m still married, even if I’m supposed to check off “widowed” on legal forms. And we did make it to twenty-five years. The fact that we aren’t together is from an outside source, not from our own choice. We aren’t the ones responsible for tearing our marriage apart.
So I sat and thought about it for a while. I am currently wearing my wedding ring and Michael’s. I thought about having the diamonds removed and having a new ring created, with those diamonds, but in a silver setting.
I thought about ordering my own useless silver tray.
I thought about taking myself out to a fine restaurant, overlooking Lake Michigan, and eating prime rib and drinking a couple grasshoppers.
But none of those felt right.
I thought hard about Michael. His favorite season was from October to January. October is our anniversary and our daughter Olivia’s birthday. November is Thanksgiving, his second favorite holiday. He loved to cook. December is Christmas, his favorite holiday, and also his birthday, two days after Christmas.
I thought about decorating our Christmas trees year after year. Before Michael and I were married, he decorated his apartment to the extreme. He had one of those tiny ceramic villages spread through every room. A large tree filled with ornaments celebrating Old Time Radio, old movies, Monopoly pieces, and one weird little ornament in the shape of a spatula, given to him by a beloved nephew.
He even decorated his bird cage. The parakeets had their own little tree.
So I tossed the idea of a useless silver tray out the window. Then I focused onto Christmas ornaments. I ordered a crystal and silver ornament, silver for the anniversary, and had it engraved with “25th Anniversary” and “Michael & Kathie” and “10/9/1999”. For now, it’s sitting next to me on my desk. It will go on this year’s tree. And then after Christmas, I will find a place to hang it in the condo for the rest of the year.
When the ornament arrived, I felt at peace.
It will do.
We made it twenty-five years, even if he isn’t right here standing next to me. There are some things a negligent driver can’t destroy.
Our marriage, our partnership, is one of them.
And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.
