And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.
One of the many things I’ve discovered since Michael’s accident is how all-encompassing the role of “caretaker” is. I’ve refused to even use the term – it has a permanence about it that I’m resisting. Every indication is that Michael will recover and return to work, to full functioning at home, to his life. We don’t know that for sure, of course, but no one has told us to prepare for his never going back. And so I resist it. It might be denial. It might be selfishness. It is the absolute refusal on my part to think that this is going to be the way it is from now on.
But…I am starting to accept that I am a caretaker…for now. There are things Michael can’t do safely yet that I am doing. Doling out his medicine. Cooking the meals and bringing them to him. Helping him into bed each night. Two of our biggest current obstacles are his right eye and right ear. Michael had a fracture directly above his right ear, and this has affected the hearing in that ear and the vision in that eye. The vision is blurry, sometimes causing double vision, and the eye is not always tracking the way it should. The ear is, in his word, “noisy”. He knows there’s something going on that he can hear, but there is noise in the ear that prevents him from hearing clearly. We will be seeing a neuro-ENT and a neuro-ophthalmologist, but scheduling in the medical profession being what it is right now, we couldn’t get in until mid- and end of May. He was released from rehab on March 22. That’s a long time to go with fuzzy eyesight and loud hearing.
But we’ll get there.
My point is this. There are days right now where I feel like my entire life is taking care of Michael. I forget who I am, or, more accurately, I shove who I am just outside of my consciousness, while I do what I have to do and try not to notice what I’m missing. Missing, as in it’s not there, and missing, as in I really miss it.
I’m missing being me.
This is a hard feeling. It makes me think that I’m, as I said before, selfish. Uncaring. Ungiving. Mean. All things that I know I’m not, when I’m being me, but this caretaker role is just so new.
But every now and then, something happens. It usually happens in a flurry, almost as if the Universe (or whatever) is sensing that I’m reaching a low point and so it throws a bunch of positive stuff my way. Positive stuff about what I do, what I love, what I feel identifies me.
And that happened this week.
Here is my flurry:
- My new novel, Don’t Let Me Keep You, is due to be released by the publisher on October 3rd, a full half-year from now. In my email, to my surprise, I received a notice from UPS that I was having a delivery the next day, when I hadn’t ordered anything. I puzzled over this, worried that it might be a scam, and then the lightbulb went off. The delivery was from my publisher. MY BOOK WAS COMING!
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, more affirming than holding your own book. Seeing the cover, no longer on the screen, but in your hands. Seeing your name. Reading the words, your words. You know, I never had a child through C-section, but in my mind, it’s like that, knowing your baby is coming the next day and you just have to get there to be present for it.
Boy, was I present. I had just gotten up when I glanced outside and saw that big brown truck parked in front of my door. Pajamas and all, wild hair and all, I ran down the steps and greeted the driver.
And then there the book was. And there I was. Me.
(Don’t Let Me Keep You is up for pre-order directly from the publisher. You can get it at https://www.blackrosewriting.com/womens/dontletmekeepyou?rq=Kathie%20Giorgio
- As if to remind me that there were other books before this one (14 of them!), my publisher emailed. My only book, with this publisher, that didn’t have an audio book version, was getting one. Through AI technology, which, you know, I bash. But in this case, I cheered. That book that was created from the first year of this blog, Today’s Moment Of Happiness Despite The News, is now available as a real book, an ebook, and an audio book. And there I was again. Me. You can see it here:
https://www.amazon.com/Todays-Moment-Happiness-Despite-News/dp/B0CY9JTD1Y/ref=sr_1_6?crid=2OZ0SU72S6KJM&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ThKfku_kOC7tnU4QpUnbAtQr4xphIXZyVhz1Hu6od4j7NE6-O2u69AosOiD57wH1rbWXtGusFTMDolDDrX42thzz_jrNI0zjP3JCsm8n63mLtpD3sIFTDYIq–yxZeKQTIKEo-4iK9ItCS8hrPtb1zmTfWl8suFo-cAGqnupC0zN8iduKHCEyF6hMHKERJhEreWCrhPaVQXpb4n8pJjcaimtDetLGVKO3QgqD7p-lzI.zrEIJ6nAgInzAoENltnMM1M_jKPYiOh2FHy4VHPWR8k&dib_tag=se&keywords=Kathie+Giorgio&qid=1714077864&sprefix=kathie+giorgio%2Caps%2C146&sr=8-6
- Then another reminder. Out of the blue, I was contacted and asked to be a guest at a book club. “We chose Hope Always Rises for our August book,” the woman said. “We all would really like you to join us!” Of course I said yes. And there I was again. Me.
- Then, another woman called me. She’d heard one of my interviews on a radio show, and she wanted to invite me to speak. She runs a group at our local Park, Recreation and Forestry department – which just happens to be where I taught my first class 28 years ago. This group gets together once a week for a “brown bag lunch and conversation.” And she booked me for next year, 2025! The topic she wants me to talk about: My journey as a successful writer.
Me.
- And finally, as if that wasn’t enough, I opened an email this morning that features “hot new releases” in books. The first two books that were listed? Both by my students. Both books that I’d worked alongside these authors, watching their development and creation.
Reminders, for me, in a flurry. Who I am as a writer. Who I am as a teacher. Who. I. Am.
Oh, and one other thing. I managed, in the middle of everything this week, to actually sit down and write on two concurrent afternoons. I thought I’d started my next book, a sequel to a previous book. But suddenly, in a flash that I’ve experienced many times and that I love so much, I saw an opening sentence scroll across my vision. I do literally see words at times like these. I sat down and wrote them, and then more spilled out, and suddenly, I am working on a book that I didn’t plan, that I didn’t think about, that I just started to write as word after word appeared. And I’m already in love with it.
That’s who I am.
Sometimes, I need a reminder. Right now, I need LOTS of reminders. And oh, I was so happy to receive these reminders, these Moments, and to feel at home within my skin again.
Whew.
And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.
