And so today’s moment of happiness despite the news.
Yep, it’s late. I was out and about and actually having fun.
Two years ago, the Milwaukee County Zoo started having an event called Wild Lights. For the Christmas season, the entire zoo is bedecked in the most amazing lights. The first year, I went with Michael, my son Andy, my daughter Olivia, and my granddaughter, Grandgirl Maya Mae. Last year, it was just me, Andy and Olivia, because I’d sent Michael to Omaha for his Christmas and birthday present to visit with his mom and sister, who he hadn’t seen in years. In retrospect, I am so happy I did this. And this year, it was just me, Andy and Olivia.
For some reason this year, all of the animal buildings were closed. But the lights had been added to in amazing ways and were spectacular, and the favorites were there too.
I was excited to go, but this morning, when I woke up, my first thought was, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go where I remember him being. And, in general, it’s been very hard to get out of bed. But throughout the day, I gave myself a pep talk, and when it was time to go, I was ready.
It was chilly, but not bad. Even right now, at 9:40 at night, it’s 45 degrees outside. The first year we went, we were in a deep freeze snap, with temperatures below zero, and wind chills even further. I bought a puffer coat just for the occasion, and that coat has become my new winter best friend. I am amazed at how warm it keeps me.
We walked through the zoo, commenting on the new lights, happy to see the old lights, and disappointed that we weren’t able to get into any of the buildings. I remembered Michael walking alongside me, and how often I’d lost him when he’d stop to take a photo and I suddenly found him missing. Tonight, I felt him beside me again, but I also felt a whole new kind of missing.
But I didn’t tear up until I saw the moose.
Michael’s favorite animal was the moose. And not because of the animal, really, but because of Bullwinkle of the old animated series Rocky & Bullwinkle. Michael owned all sorts of Bullwinkle memorabilia, and all sorts of miscellaneous moose too. Our first official date was to this zoo, and at that time, the zoo had a pair of moose. Mooses? Meese? Moose. I told him how the bull moose had been there for years, but the female was found wandering around a town, I believe it was West Bend, and when she was finally caught, she was brought to the zoo. That day, we spent a lot of time by the moose enclosure. I was especially charmed by a man who so admired an animal that many people consider ungainly and unattractive. It meant, I hoped, that he could love me too.
And he did.
So tonight, we saw the lit-up moose again, and Olivia said, “Dad’s favorite animal.”
Yes.
We kept on moving, and eventually, we came to the rhino. “Look,” Olivia said. “Isn’t that your favorite animal?”
We have several rhino Christmas ornaments. I have a rhino beanie baby. There is a brass rhino on my keychain.
“No,” I said, looking at the rhino. “It was our favorite animal. Ours together.”
“You had a together animal?” Olivia asked.
I laughed out loud. This was not a story I could tell Olivia when she was a child. But now, maybe, since she’s 24…
And I mentioned it in this blog the other day too.
It’s a little inappropriate, so if you have innocent eyes, look away.
On our first date, when we got to the rhino enclosure, there was a crowd. Many were laughing. Eventually, Michael and I worked our way to the rail. The rhino yard was split in two. On one side, the zoo’s new female rhino. On the other, the male rhino.
Who had the biggest, hugest, gigantic-est erection I’ve ever seen in my life.
Oh, wonderful, for a first date.
The female rhino was apparently not impressed, because she turned and walked away. In despair, the male rhino folded his knees and dropped to the ground.
Right on top of the incredible erection.
Every man in that crowd let out a groan that could likely be heard for miles. I think the rhino did too. And…so did Michael.
I burst into laughter.
And so the rhino became our favorite.
On this night, while Olivia looked horrified, I burst into laughter all over again.
What a hell of a way to begin a serious relationship. I could not stop smiling the rest of the way through the zoo, on that first date, or on this night.
So, I have to say, while working on these every day now, I don’t know that my sadness has become any less. But they are helping me to look back and relish good memories. And to remember Michael as he was, before January 17th of this year. I am seeing him as him again. Hearing him as he was. Not as he was in the ER, the hospital, the rehab, the hospital again, and hospice. And in those final minutes.
But as him.
And I am hearing myself laugh again.
And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.
