Author: Kathie

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

Well, this is hard. Last week, I posted that I was giving myself the week off because my week was filled with my dog Ursula going suddenly blind. She seemed to be doing better, it looked like there was a decent chance her vision would be restored, but I was simply exhausted.

I didn’t know then that four days later, Ursula would go into severe seizures, four within 45 minutes, and I would have to help her out of this world and into the next.

This means that since Michael’s accident 18 months ago, I’ve had to help our two cats the same way (Edgar Allen Paw was fourteen and had been dealing with having his back legs collapse suddenly. Then they collapsed and didn’t come back. Muse had a stroke on the day after her 20^th birthday.), then, as power of attorney for Michael, I made the impossible decision to withdraw support and move him to hospice (he died five days later), and now my dog.

I am so immersed in grief, I feel like it’s in every breath I take. Ursula was beside me through all the difficult days and difficult decisions.

Ursula came to us as a rescue in 2018. She was approximately 3 years old. She arrived in a truck from a humane society in Alabama, who brought up six dogs from their shelter to one here. All that was known about her was that she’d clearly been used for breeding – she was a pitbull. In the shelter, surrounded by barking dogs, she seemed calm. But once she came home, it became clear she was afraid of everything.

The television. The beep of the microwave. The icemaker in the fridge. Sirens going by. Flags flapping in the wind. Grass. Grass!

In all the time we had her, we could never take Ursula for a walk. She would bellycrawl, like a soldier. She would sometimes head out to do her business in the grassy strip between our parking lot and Walgreens, but typically, she simply stepped out of my garage door and did everything next to my car. One loud sound would send her running back inside.

As time went by and she adjusted to some things (the tv, the microwave, the fridge, sirens, flags, but never ever to grass), she became the most loving dog ever.

The night of Michael’s accident, I brought home from the hospital all of his clothes that had been sliced off by the paramedics. I held out what was left of his shirt to Ursula, and until he came home 9 weeks later, she slept with his shirt. She also glued herself to my side. If I was downstairs, so was she. When I was at my desk, she was under it, so I bought her a bed that fit there, and she used it every day. Wherever I moved in the condo, she was there. At night, she slept in her loveseat near the foot of my bed, but I often woke to find her sleeping beside my bed, within arm’s reach. Night times were, and still are, my hardest times.

When Michael came home for a month before he returned to the hospital and then hospice, she divided her time. At night, she was with me, but when I went downstairs in the morning, she would go into Olivia’s room, where Michael slept, since the stairs were too much of a challenge. She stayed with him until he got up, then she followed him as he used his walker to move to the living room, and she stayed on the couch beside his reclining seat in the loveseat. She followed him everywhere. She made sure he was safe.

He called her Nursula.

When Michael died, I brought home the pillow I’d had made from Ursula’s photograph. She slept with it from then on.

Ursy wasn’t an official emotional support animal, but she was, in all ways, to me. As I was hers, helping her through her scary times.

She just had her annual physical in August. She was tip-top. And then, two Fridays ago, she suddenly began walking into walls and doors. She had trouble with the stairs and getting around the condo. It was, I said, like she suddenly couldn’t see. I took her in to the emergency vet, who thought she had SARDS (Sudden Acquired Retinal Degeneration Syndrome), which can cause dogs to go blind in a matter of hours. That night, I asked Michael, if he could hear me, wherever he is, if he’s anywhere, if he could do something. This was Ursula. She couldn’t go blind. I needed her too much.

The next day, I brought her back to the vet to see a doggie ophthalmologist. He said it wasn’t SARDS, that her left eye could still see some, though her right eye was blind right now. He thought it might be an infection, and so she was given an IV of a steroid, and sent home with Prednisone and two antibiotics. She had an appointment to see a neurologist, as there was a chance it wasn’t an infection at all, but something in her brain.

From Tuesday to early Sunday morning, things seemed hopeful. Ursula was making her way easily through the house, and up and down the stairs. Her tail was wagging. Every now and then, she banged the right side of her head on something, but she quickly learned to be aware of that, and moved her head away quickly with barely a thump. I was amazed, and so, so relieved.

But then at 3:00 Sunday morning, she began making odd noises. I looked over to her loveseat, and saw that it was swaying. When I got to her, she was in full seizure, her feet running, and her face was crammed deep into a corner of the loveseat, blocking her breathing. I released her head, held her as she fell onto the floor. She settled down some, enough to stand up and return to the loveseat, and then seizure two started. I yelled for Olivia, who thankfully was staying overnight, so she could stand by and support Ursula as I got dressed and called my son Andy. There was no way I could carry a 50-pound dog down two flights of stairs by myself.

In the car on the way to the emergency vet, she had her third seizure. And at the vet, she had her fourth.

It was clear this was not an infection. So I made the decision. Both Olivia and I held her as she crossed over.

I’ve been struck hard with how similar Ursula’s death is to Michael’s. With both, I sincerely thought they were getting better. They were going to be fine. In both cases, after I said this belief out loud, to them, they were soon gone.

There is no moment of happiness here. I am struggling. Everything that has happened seems very wrong and very unfair. But to take my dog, who was always, always by my side, just seems…there is no word.

I just want my dog back.

Ursula was named Ursula after Ursula Le Guin, a phenomenally strong woman writer. I named Ursy, feeling that she had to be a strong woman to get through what she’d already gone through in life when we adopted her. If there is a moment of happiness here, it’s that she came out of a horrible situation into a life where she was truly loved, truly respected, truly a family member. And there is a moment of happiness in that she was here with me during the worst times of my life, and she helped me through.

She had to be a strong woman, a strong dog. And I have to be a strong woman too. I’ve been assured by many that this is who I am – and I am working hard to live up to it.

That will have to do. That will have to be enough.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news…

Well, not really. I am actually going to cut myself some slack and not write a blog this week, because it’s 5:00 in the evening and I just now remembered that today is Thursday and I’m supposed to be writing a blog.

I’ve been dealing since the end of last week until now with my dog Ursula, who has suddenly gone blind. It’s been a week of veterinary appointments, emergency veterinary appointments, appointments with doggie ophthalmologists and doggie neuroligists.  Ursy is doing much better and may regain her sight, but I am frazzled.

I will return next week. In the meantime, send good energy to my dog, Ursula Le Guin Giorgio.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

 

 

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

On Sunday, it had actually been dry long enough that I needed to water the outside plants. As I bent down to pick up my large watering pot, I heard a surprised buzz, and then something green jumped, thwacked against my glasses, and then fell to the floor of the deck.

A bug.

Now, bear in mind I’m not a big fan of bugs. I know bees are important to our environment, but if there is a bee on my deck, or anywhere near me when I’m outside, I very quickly (as in RUN) get out of the area. I am allergic to many things, and one of them is bee stings. So they strike terror in my heart. Centipedes and earwigs leave me weak-kneed. Stinkbugs and June bugs, holy cow. I’m not even a big fan of ladybugs, as there’s a type of bug that looks like a ladybug, but they bite. I’ve only seen a cockroach once in my life, and it caused me to not just move from my room at a hotel, but to leave the hotel for another one entirely. And don’t even get me started on spiders.

Butterflies are okay. Moths too, because they’re like butterflies. I even wrote a Today’s Moment about a white moth once. For those of you with the book, Today’s Moment Of Happiness Despite The News; A Year Of Spontaneous Essays, you can find this on August 23, 2017 entry.

And now…there was this big green bug that thwacked off my glasses.

It remained still on the floor of my deck. I looked at it closely, making sure it was indeed a bug. It looked like a leaf. I don’t mind leaves. But this leaf had legs.

I’d seen this type of bug before, I remembered. A couple years ago, as I reached for my coffee pot, I found one on the handle. Inside my house. After my usual shrieking was over, I looked at it more closely, and then googled a description of it. It was a katydid.

My oldest daughter is named Katie. Well, Kathryn, after me, but she’s Katie. And I often called her Katydid when she was growing up. Just having that name made me warm up a bit toward this bug. According to what I read, it didn’t seem like a biter, or one that caused any pain, really. Using a cup, I scooped the coffee pot interloper up and let it loose outside, from the small second floor deck. It hung around for a while, clinging to the screen door, before it disappeared.

A couple weeks ago, another one appeared on that same screen door. Olivia and I admired it and left it alone.

And now, this one. Surprising me on my third floor deck.

How did it get up here? Some katydids fly, but not very well. They mostly jump, as this one did. But we are three stories up!

I went ahead and watered my plants, blocking the door into the condo very carefully, as both cats were very interested in the green visitor. For his part, he just kept sitting on the deck floor. I sprinkled a little water around him, just in case he was dehydrated. Then I went inside, keeping an eye on him through my office window as I settled in to work.

At one point, I turned, and there he was, looking in the window through the screen. He’d climbed onto the pot holding my palm tree which sits over Little Literary Lion, my concrete lion. I said hello, told him he was welcome to stay.

Over the course of the next hour, he moved next to the palm tree, then began to climb up its trunk. Eventually, he disappeared into the long narrow leaves. His leaf-like body did just what it was supposed to do, and camouflaged him. I could no longer see him.

But that night, he sang.

When you are home, alone with only your two cats and a dog, it’s amazing how much company a katydid can provide. Such music.

I’m pretty sure he’s moved on to some of my other plants. I’ve heard him, but I haven’t seen him. I was horrified yesterday when a big wind kicked up and the palm tree blew over. I picked up the tree quickly, then looked all around on the ground. No tumbled katydid. But I heard him again last night. He’s on the deck somewhere. Keeping me company.

This deck has proven magical this summer. The plants are riotous. I have a milkweed that shot out of nowhere on the top level of my raised garden. I did not plant it – I don’t know where it came from, on this third floor deck. It grew straight and tall and bloomed, and all of a sudden, I have hummingbirds and butterflies. Not by intention; it feels like a gift.

On a whim, I googled the spiritual meaning of an appearance by a katydid. I read:

“The appearance of a katydid has quite a bit of spiritual meaning. Spiritually, this speaks volumes about adaptation and blending in. Just as the bug seamlessly merges with its surroundings, we too must learn to adapt to life’s ever-changing circumstances. It represents the ebb and flow of life and the essence of being one with our environment. In the realm of spirituality, it reminds us of the importance of finding and using our voice. The Katydid teaches us that even in the vast expanse of the night, one can make their presence felt. The vivid green hue of the Katydid Leaf Bug is symbolic of the heart chakra. It represents love, healing, and growth. Encountering this bug is a reminder to open our hearts to the world and embrace the healing powers of nature.”

Adapting to life’s ever-changing circumstances. Finding and using our voice. Love, healing and growth.

Another gift.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

Believe it or not, a severely inflamed trapezius muscle caused my moment of happiness this week. Amazing, isn’t it, how pretty intense pain can cause pretty intense joy.

In the beginning of August, I had a fall in a hotel. The hotel decided to replace the carpet in its rooms with linoleum, and then put brand new desk chairs with very slick wheels on top of it. I pushed back from the desk in order to stand up, and the desk chair kept going, while I didn’t. I dropped like a rock to the floor, and among other things, totally jammed my right shoulder.

A few weeks later, it seemed to be getting better. But then I went in for physical therapy for something else entirely – some slight lymphedema from breast cancer years ago in that same jammed arm– and the PT had me lifting weights. Which hurt, but silly me, I thought it was supposed to. Then I had to have an ultrasound done on my thyroid (I’m fine!), and the technician had me turn my head in all sorts of awkward and ridiculous angles. By that night, the side of my neck and the top of my shoulder were roaring. By the next morning, I couldn’t turn my head.

Eventually, I went in to Urgent Care, who said that I’d hurt the trapezius muscle in my fall, and the other things that were done to it, not for it, inflamed it even further. The treatment was Prednisone for 5 days, generous dollops of a BenGay type of ointment, and muscle relaxers. I did it all but the muscle relaxers, and I added a warm stone massage.

So. Who knew that BenGay could cause a flood of memories that would leave me helpless with laughter?

When I popped the lid on the ointment that first night, I was instantly immersed in that particular scent. These types of ointments are loaded with menthol, and the scent is very singular. As soon as I smelled it, I was a kid again. When my grandmother lived with us, each night, she would come in to say goodnight to me, and she would pop open a jar of Vick’s Mentholatum Rub. See the connection? Menthol? Mentholatum? She would rub some just under my nose, so I could smell it, and when I would plead, she’d put just a little bit on my tongue. I have no idea where that started, but I loved the taste. She also kept Hall’s Mentholyptus cough drops in her purse – Menthol? Mentholyptus? – which I ate like candy. When I’m sick with a cold now, that is the only flavor cough drop I reach for.

It was the scent of a loving grandmother offering comfort. Even now, at 65 years of age, I keep one of those little tubes of menthol by my bed – not the lotion, it’s one that you inhale and breathe in. And every night, I do just that. I breathe in that scent, that comfort, and I think of my grandmother.

Smelling the ointment on that night brought me to her. Which brought me to Vicks. Which brought me to Hall’s Mentholyptus. Which brought me to the little tube.

Which brought me to Michael.

Several years ago, I mentioned this memory to him, and about how I loved those little tubes. I didn’t even know if they still made them. But the next day, when he came home from work, he said, “I brought you something!” And he handed me one.

Every night now, that tube connects me to my grandmother. And to Michael.

But there was still one more connection, all from the scent of an ointment which was supposed to ease my pain.

When Michael and I moved in together, he moved from Omaha to here to be with me. I moved in to our rented townhouse first, and he showed up 24 hours later, after a long, long drive with his brother to move all of his things. Then came the unloading of the truck, and everything that comes with moving. When it was finally time to go to sleep, we were both exhausted.

I went into our new and unfamiliar bathroom, filled with things that were also unfamiliar to me. I grabbed my toothbrush, saw Michael’s toothpaste sitting on the counter, and used it, rather than digging out my own. As I brushed, I sighed with happiness and wondered where Michael found a toothpaste that smelled like Vicks Mentholatum. Like BenGay. Like Hall’s Mentholyptus cough drops. Like those little tubes.

And then my mouth began to burn.

I’d brushed my teeth with BenGay. Michael had sore muscles from the move, and he used it liberally, and that night, started what would be his lifetime habit of never putting anything away where it belonged.

I rinsed and rinsed and rinsed, but kept choking on laughter. By the time I fell into bed, I was laughing too hard to even speak. But Michael, when he went to kiss me, figured it out. Mentholatum breath.

I don’t know how long it took us to fall asleep that night. We would just quiet down, and then one of us would start laughing again. It was, for us, a joke that was referred to over and over again for all 25 years of our marriage.

On this night, the first night I rubbed this BenGay wanna-be all over my sore neck and shoulder, I laughed. And when I went to sleep that night, on my own, alone, in a bed that seems way too large now, I was still smiling. And immersed in that scent of menthol, which brings me such comfort.

All because of an inflamed trapezius muscle. The pain was worth it.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

I don’t know how it’s been for the rest of Wisconsin, but in my corner of the state, it’s been a horrible summer. It’s either been very hot (90s and even 100s), humid, raining, or there have been Air Quality Advisories because of the smoke from fires in Canada blowing here. Our skies were gray, even on sunny days. There was one day a few weeks ago when Waukesha had the worst air quality in the country. This is not something we want to be known for. And as for the rain – never before have I seen people in this area have to be evacuated from their homes.

It’s been bizarre.

One of my favorite places during a Wisconsin summer is on my own deck. My deck is up in the sky on the third floor of my condo. It’s large and feels like an extra room. During warmer months, I eat lunch outside every day, and also usually bring my computer out in the evening and work until late in the night, the light from the moon and my computer screen compatible bright spots in the darkness. There are plants galore, a large dining table and chairs, a loveseat, and two rocking chairs. Even though I live in the middle of the city, it feels like a haven to me.

I am not an outdoorsy kind of person. No camping for me, thank you, I don’t like hiking, bugs are not my friends, and while I like fresh air (my favorite days are when my windows and doors are wide open), I prefer to use the outdoors for relaxation and quiet, not exercise. One exception for me is the ocean. In Oregon, I am outside as much as I can be, but even there, I’m either relaxing on the deck with a good book, or I’m strolling beside the waves.

Our first year here, I ignored our deck. I was busy working on the inside, making the condo everything I wanted it to be. But the second summer, I moved to the deck, and as time passed, it became the haven. I never used to like taking care of plants, but now there are many, who I talk to regularly. The hibiscus, in particular, are friends, complete with names.

And this summer? I thought last summer was the stressful summer, with Michael’s passing on June 19^th. The grief was overwhelming, the official busywork was interminable, and the condo so different without him. I threw myself into a massive reorganization, from cupboards and drawers to moving furniture and purging, purging, purging. I recognize it now as a need to feel in control of my life which had spun so incredibly out of control. But then, I only knew it as panic and desperation.

I met a man online who is a music therapist who specializes in grief. We talked for an hour, and he told me that our brain treats the dying person like a phantom limb. Even though we know the person is gone, we still watch for him. In my case, I think I felt if I cleaned hard enough, thoroughly enough, Michael, my phantom limb, would somehow reappear out of the chaos.

To my surprise, though, this summer has been even more difficult. Because the numbness is wearing off, the searching is wearing off, and the realization that this is a huge and very final change is setting in. The first few forms I filled out after Michael’s passing, where I had the choice of checking the “widow” box, I adamantly refused and still checked married.

I’ve now moved on to the widow box.

So to have that third floor haven inaccessible to me during this time has been very hard. I have asthma, so the Air Quality Advisory days meant I was stuck inside with the a/c on. Rain kept me inside as well. And the heat was oppressive, so I stayed inside there too. I’d go out to water the plants and have a quick chat, and then duck back in. From my desk, I looked longingly out at the rocking chairs. At the table, where I should have been sitting with my computer, still working, but outside in the air and the sky and surrounded by plants and life.

For the first time ever, I had cabin fever, but not in the middle of winter.

Last week was crazy, with round after round of thunderstorms and flooding rains, humidity, lightning that wouldn’t stop. And then, this week…the temperatures dropped. The humidity dropped. It hasn’t rained for a few days now. And the air is clear. Skies blue. Sun bright.

Yesterday was August 20^th. For the first time this summer, I had a meal on my deck. As the sun went down, I took my computer to the table outside and I worked. At one point, I came in to fetch a hoodie…I was chilly. Chilly! But I stayed outside.

As I worked, I felt the cloak of familiarity settle around my shoulders. The decorative lights on the deck railing sent a rosy glow to the plants, and the colored glass moons I have scattered everywhere also sparkled and glistened. It wasn’t completely quiet, there are always sounds in a city, but the sounds were softer than during the day. Crickets dominated. There were even a few fireflies, despite the fact that I was three stories up.

There was a mourning dove. I’ve heard her a lot this summer, during the day and at night. I acknowledge her, and at times, sing quietly along with her.

I moved through that evening in peace, breathing easily, the ache I’ve felt since January 19^th, 2024, still present, but soft, like everything else on that night. I was surrounded with home. And it felt like summer.

That was all I needed.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

It’s difficult, I think, to come up with a moment of happiness in a week that’s just been fraught with weather and other issues. My home of Waukesha and many other areas of Wisconsin made the news this week with incredible flooding, downpours, lightning that made the middle of night glow like high noon. The rain was just relentless, flooding rivers and roads and highways within minutes. On Saturday night, I watched radar, breathed a sigh of relief again and again when it appeared that the red blob showing the heaviest storms was about to leave us behind, only to have it continually re-explode.

It was, in a word, nuts.

So a moment of happiness is hard to come by in a week like this. I watched the Fox River, normally a peaceful place, swell and overflow its banks a block and a half from my home. Bear statues and the sculpture of a dragonfly, favorites in my city, either went underwater or close to underwater while the river crested not once, but twice. Bridges to downtown were blocked off. On Tuesday, I tried to go to an appointment in the next town over, and found that there was no way to get there, that wasn’t full of unrestrained water.

I am, however, one of the lucky ones, I guess. While I live within sight of the river, it did not reach me. I don’t have a basement, and no part of my home has been flooded.

To add insult to injury in my city, yesterday, a sad soul walked up to a moving train, got down on his hands and knees, and crawled under it. This is not the first time this has happened in Waukesha – we are a city of many, many trains and train tracks. I even referred to it in my novel, Hope Always Rises.

So right now, there is an air of sadness and worry over this community.

And yet…today the sun is out, it’s only 79 degrees, the air quality warnings which have hung around all summer from Canadian fires are gone, my windows are open, there is a breeze running through.

And I am alive.

So where am I going with this? I have no idea, because there is no one moment I can point to this week that is a Moment of Happiness. Not because of a huge number of choices, but because we have felt cloud-covered this week.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been beating myself up, because I couldn’t seem to find a Moment to write about. But I’ve always been honest in this blog – I’ve never made a Moment up. I began to wonder if I should just skip this week. But then I began to think about the whole positivity movement that’s been upon us for a few years now. Gratitude lists abound. It seems a common practice now to downplay the sadder, harder feelings. I can’t tell you the number of times people have started to tell me something that is troubling them, only to have them stop and say, “Oh, but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve been going through!”

Maybe not. But you’re still going through it. And you have a right to feel sad or angry or whatever it is you’re feeling.

Twice this week, I had students ask me if it was all right to write about dark topics. One student moaned, “My story is turning dark. I’m thinking I should scrap it. I mean, how dark can I go?”

Another worried about a disturbing topic that she has been passionately writing about for several years.

I’ve been called a “dark and disturbing” writer. But the things I write about are things that I feel are important and necessary to look at. To understand. And ultimately, to change.

I told both students that there is nothing wrong with writing dark, and there is no limit. Both looked immediately relieved.

This morning, as I thought about all this, and about my own feelings of desperation and guilt when I couldn’t come up with a topic, I stumbled over the most amazing ad on my Facebook feed. I missed the beginning, but I’m pretty sure it was about grief. I get a lot of grief ads these days. In it, there was a cartoon representation of an older woman, who apparently lost her husband. The narration said that she was constantly being told it was time to move on, but she just couldn’t seem to. She felt like she was just waiting to die. She said she tried gratitude journals, and the imagery showed her writing in a journal while tears poured from her eyes. She said not feeling grateful made her feel guilty.

Boy, do I understand that.

Then she said she discovered another journal, a “gentle journal”, it said, that “allowed her to not be positive.” That phrase about knocked me off my feet. Have we gotten to a point that we’re shoving positivity down people’s throats? Where they aren’t allowed to acknowledge feeling sad, or even to feel it? Even when bad things happen?

Over this last year and a half, I’ve had to work really hard to keep my head above water. I know that, overall, my sense of looking for the positive has helped me. But I also know there were days that when I let it all go and just sobbed that I felt an outstanding sense of relief. I also, at times, felt a sense of guilt over not feeling happy, feeling satisfied, over what I have. And I also felt an enormous sense of defeat when I didn’t think I was living up to people’s expectations.

I’ve been told over and over again that I’m a strong woman. But you know what? Sometimes, I’m. Just. Not.

But then I am again.

Thinking about the young man who crawled under the train yesterday, I can’t help but wonder if he’d still be here today, if he was allowed to express his sadness, his anger, his whatever-he-was-feeling. We can write dark. We can feel dark. And we can keep putting one foot in front of the other, through floodwaters, through stormy skies, through loss, through sadness.

And as I was sitting here writing this, with my windows open and the loveliest of breezes blowing in, a movement from outside caught my eye.

A hummingbird. Fluttering right next to my window as it stuck its long beak into my pansies. And then it fluttered all over my third floor deck, going from plant to plant, flower to flower, and getting what it needed to survive.

And just like that, I was smiling from ear to ear. A hummingbird, all the way up here in the sky on my third floor. What a marvelous, amazing thing. I nurtured my flowers, my flowers nurtured the hummingbird, the hummingbird nurtured me.

Perfect. My Moment.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

 

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

So I’m going to borrow a bit from a previous week. A couple weeks ago, I had several wonderful things happen, and so I didn’t get a chance to write about them all. But one in particular is sitting with me, and I’ve had to work through some things with it, so we’ll go there. This week, with the working through and processing, was the first time I really let the happiness of this event break through. An odd feeling of guilt (I think) kept it from happening.

One of the biggest surprises for me, with grief, is that it didn’t seem to dissipate over time. For a while there, it was increasing, and I didn’t understand it. I thought it was just me, until my daughter asked me, “Mom, why does the grief seem to be getting worse as time is going by?”

A therapist gave me the answer. “The shock is wearing off. You’ve been numb and on auto-pilot.”

Boy, have I. From the time of Michael’s accident, to his death, I had to throw myself on automatic. My life was already busy, but then I had to add in daily interactions with doctors, nurses, and therapists, visits to the hospital, visits to the rehab, visits to a wide variety of medical appointments which involved getting Michael in and out of a car and in and out of a wheelchair. There was a huge learning curve as I had to understand medical terminology that was totally foreign, and I had to work my way through insurance issues.

I remember someone asking me if I was having trouble sleeping with all the stress, and I said absolutely not. I was asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow.

I was exhausted.

This didn’t stop when Michael died. There was more to go through, more to settle, and, of course, more to fight. Trying to get justice for Michael became a huge obsession. I think working toward that somehow made Michael’s death take a back seat. If I could just get the city to listen, maybe Michael would come back. Which of course, didn’t happen. The city didn’t listen. Michael didn’t come back.

And now there’s now.

Last summer, when I went to Oregon, it was the first time I began to realize how in shock and how traumatized I was. So far away from home, but in a place I loved, the changes my life had taken really moved to the forefront. And all of a sudden…I burst into poetry.

I write poetry, as four poetry collections published, and a fifth on the horizon, can attest. But I don’t force poetry. I don’t sit down with the intention to write it. It just comes. And in this case, it hit with all the frequency of the ocean waves. Often leaving me drenched in what had been unshed tears.

I decided (as if I had any control over it) to let it happen. But I enforced a deadline of sorts. I didn’t want to make a career of widowhood, I didn’t want to make it an identity. So I decided I would write the poems as they came until the first anniversary of Michael’s death. After that, I would be done.

And so that’s what I did.

This year in Oregon, which was such an amazing restorative time, Michael’s death anniversary arrived. But no poem showed up that day. I returned to speechlessness. But the next morning, I woke up, and there it was. Intact. I wrote it down before I even had my coffee or said hello to the ocean.

From there, I did the most difficult thing. I turned my writer’s chair into an editor’s chair, and I looked at the poems with the cold detached eye of an editor. I rewrote and fixed.

And still wept.

I wrote an introduction. Put “The End” at the end. And I closed the file.

I wish I could describe the feeling. It was physical. Like my brain turned in my skull and my focus turned to other things. The grief isn’t over, but it isn’t as all-encompassing. I feel like myself again, and more importantly, I’ve given myself permission to be myself. I had the idea that somehow, I was supposed to be different now. And I just wasn’t sure how to be.

But then I realized that I could just continue being me, though with a huge loss where there used to be constant support and companionship, partnership, love. But still me.

My attention turned.

When I arrived home from Oregon, I submitted the book, now titled The Birth Of A Widow, to the two publishers who have released my books of poetry.

An impossible nine days later, it was accepted for publication by Kelsay Press. It will be coming out in the fall of 2026.

I was elated, for all of five minutes. Then I was soaked through with guilt. How could I be happy about something that only happened because my husband died? And he died in such a horrible way?

This really threw me for a while. But then…I threw it. Completely off my shoulders.

Because this is a book honoring Michael, honoring who he was, and expressing the depth of my loss. My hopes for this book? The same hopes I always have when I write anything, whether it’s fiction, nonfiction, or poetry.

To help others.

And so now…I can let myself be happy. I am delighted and amazed to announce that book #17, a book purely of my heart, The Birth Of A Widow, will be released in the fall of 2026. (Prior to its release will come book #16, a poetry collection called Let Me Tell You; Let Me Sing!, from the same publisher.)

And I am hard at work on book #18. A novel. Should be done soon.

I am still me. There is more to do.

(And ohmygosh, I had a book accepted in just NINE DAYS!!!!!!)

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

The Moment is actually this morning. Right now. And it will continue into this afternoon and evening and tomorrow and the next day and some of the next.

I’m on my way to La Crosse, Wisconsin. Oregon is my favorite place ever, of course. But La Crosse is my favorite place in Wisconsin. Basically because of the Mississippi River that runs through it. So I suppose other places where I could be by the big river would work too. But La Crosse is where I spend time by it. Stick my feet in. Listen to it roll.

The sound of the Pacific Ocean. The sound of the Mississippi River. Two completely different sounds, but both soothing to me. I call the Pacific Ms. Pacific. And the Mississippi? She’s always the river, as if there is no other.

La Crosse and the Mississippi also hold memories of the two major relationships in my life. Husbands.

My first marriage, to the first boy I dated in high school, lasted seventeen years. We married between our junior and senior years in college. He was everything my parents wanted for me – or for them — and so I thought he was everything I wanted too, because it made them happy with me. And it did work, for a while. The marriage produced three amazing children, and I can’t imagine my life without them.

As it began to grow more obvious that the marriage was breaking apart, he and I decided to take an extended weekend away, something we hadn’t done since the kids were born, all three within four years. It was an attempt to remember who we were together. The kids were parked with the grandparents, and in a totally random decision, we decided to go to La Crosse.

Oh, that place. The bluffs. The river.

We stayed in a lovely hotel, with a swimming pool surrounded by windows overlooking the river. There was a patio outside, where you could sit and watch the river flow. Across the river, I could see a beach. I so wanted to go there. I wanted to say I put my feet into the Mississippi River.

So we did that, even though he protested that it was a waste of time, that the river was dirty, that I would become ill. We drove over the river and found the beach. I rolled up my pant legs and waded in; he didn’t. He sat on a picnic bench and played with a handheld game. I stood by myself, knee deep, and felt the strength of the river. I asked her – silently, because I didn’t want him to hear, and I didn’t want to be ridiculed – to help me. I asked for some of her strength to seep in, under my skin.

We went on a riverboat cruise ride, again, my idea. He complained about the cost. He sat at a table in the cabin, the windows separating him from the water. I prowled around the deck, wanting to be as close to the river and see as much of it as I could.

That evening, our final evening there, I told him I was going out to sit on the patio. He elected to stay in our room and watch television. It was a chillier night, and I wrapped my jacket around me. I was the only one on the patio. The river looked soft, sounded soft. And I listened.

I thought of him, sitting on the picnic bench on the beach, sitting in the cabin of the boat, staying up in our room, while I experienced things on my own. I thought, We are already so far apart.

The marriage didn’t survive. We separated, then divorced.

After our first court hearing, we stood outside the courthouse for a bit. I was miserable. I missed my kids. We’d agreed to joint custody, so suddenly, I was without my children for half of every week. I felt like I was being torn apart. Standing in that parking lot, I began to cry.

“If I’d known how hard it was going to be to leave you,” I said, “I never would have done it.”

Part of me hoped he would open his arms and tell me to come home.

Instead, he said words that were close to the most painful of my life.

“Really?” he said. “If I’d known how easy it was going to be to leave you, I would have done it a lot sooner.”

And he left me there.

Years later, I returned to La Crosse and to the Mississippi. I visited two book clubs, who wanted to talk to me about my newly released novel. I was teaching by then too and I was going to teach a class on the creative process and walking a labyrinth. Accompanying me was my second husband, Michael.

While we were there, we found the beach. It’s at Pettibone Park. I rolled up my pants legs and waded in, and beside me, Michael did the same. He held my hand as we stood in the water, letting her roll all around us. I felt her strength again. I’d found it. And I felt his too.

We took a boat cruise on the same boat. Michael leaned on the railings with me, and we watched the river.

I also went to the river on my own. When I told Michael I needed some time with the river by myself, he didn’t ridicule me. He kissed me, gave me a hug, told me to be careful. He’d be waiting for me, he said.

I returned to Pettibone Park and waded into the water. Across the river was the hotel where I’d stayed with my first husband. I looked at it for a while. Then, out loud, not caring who heard me, I said thank you to the river. I returned to the hotel where Michael waited. For me.

So I’m going back there again today, and I’m staying until Sunday. I’m going on the boat cruise and I’m meeting friends to celebrate my 65^th birthday. It’s my second birthday without Michael.

But this afternoon, after I unpack in my hotel room, I will carry the book I’m currently reading out to the car. I’ll stop at Starbucks and get my favorite drink. Then I’ll drive to Pettibone Park. For a while, I’ll sit at the picnic bench and read my book and drink my drink, looking up after every page or so to admire the river. Then I’ll roll up my pant legs and wade in.

I’ll be alone. But not really. The river will help me remember, and I’ll thank her for always rolling me toward the good memories, not the bad.

Wherever Michael is, I know he’ll wait for me.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

So last week, I completely forgot to do this blog. Good grief. It was the first day of the four-day AllWriters’ Annual Retreat, and I was up to my very happy neck in 18 writers coming from 7 different states, all ready to spend four days with me! I’m sorry I missed though. I realized it at about one in the morning, the next morning, so I just let it go.

But it turns out that what I wanted to write about dovetails with what I want to write about this week.

One weird facet of learning to live without Michael is this strange feeling that I’m supposed to be someone else now. The word “widow” has been added to my definition. I don’t like that word. I never have. It conjures up visions of spiders and old women with black nets over their faces, and shapeless black dresses, and rocking in creaky rocking chairs in the dark corners of empty rooms.

None of those things feel like me. But still, it’s what I was suddenly being called. On forms, I had to check a new box. And I was no longer one of two. I was just one. And I felt like had to change to fit this new role. I had to be different.

I certainly felt different. Sad. Lonely. Bereft.

One of the ways this new feeling came out was in my hair. I’ve been a redhead now for about twenty years. I always felt like a redhead. But my natural hair color is brown. When Olivia was five years old, I disappeared into a salon one morning when she was playing at summer school. I was 45 years old. And I did what many of us have probably dreamed of doing. “Change it,” I said of my cap of brown hair. “I don’t care what you do, but make it red.” I’d been seeing this hair stylist for years, and he’d been after me for a long time to make a change. He looked at me and cracked his knuckles, then waved my way to his chair, like it was a royal throne.

When I left a few hours later, my hair was red, very short, and punked. Olivia didn’t even recognize me. But here’s the thing.

I did.

As the years have passed, it’s become sort of a brand. I can’t tell you the number of people who have said to me, “I knew it was you! I saw your hair!” Some of these people have been complete strangers.

But then Michael died, and for a while there, I was a complete stranger to me too. I no longer recognized myself.

When I went in for the latest cut and color, I told my stylist (not my original – John died several years ago) to just cut. No color. I did that for two cycles. For the first time in twenty years, my hair was brown. And for the first time ever, there was gray.

Well, I thought, that’s fitting, isn’t it? For a widow?

I tolerated it for twelve weeks. I didn’t feel like me.

While I was in Oregon, that feeling just overflowed. At 3:30 in the morning, I picked up my phone and texted my stylist. “Giving you a head’s up – I want to return to red. Gray isn’t doing it for me.”

I don’t think she was surprised.

At the appointment, watching my hair go from dull to vibrant, I felt a rush of recognition. And I felt relief.

Not everything has to change.

And then there was this week, with the hand-in-hand event. I had to go in for my yearly physical, which much to my surprise, turned into what the clinic calls a “Welcome to Medicare” visit. I turn 65 on the 29^th, and I was inducted into Medicare on July 1^st. So along with the usual stuff, I had a few things added – a pneumonia shot, no charge. An EKG – I’m just fine, no sign of heart disease. And, my doctor said, tossing me a gown, “I want to see your skin. Gotta look for any skin cancers. Especially in my red-headed patients.”

This is someone who has known me for about thirty years. He and I are the same age.

“I’m not really a redhead,” I said, clinging to the dreaded gown.

“What?” My doctor stopped, looked back at me with wide eyes.

“I color my hair. It’s actually brown.” Maybe I should have kept it brown for another few weeks, to get out of this. If I’d only known.

He leaned against the door jamb, and then slowly began to smile. “You are such a redhead. You will always, always be a redhead to me.” He pointed at the gown. “Put it on. I’ll be back in a few.”

Even as I pulled the stupid gown on, I began to return his smile, even though he was no longer in the room. This doctor knew me before I knew Michael. He knew me during Michael. And he still knows me now, after Michael.

And he sees me as a redhead. Not even because of my hair color. But because of who I am.

Still me. I am such a redhead.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

Well, as of this last Sunday, I am back home. Re-entry into my reality this week has been difficult, but manageable. I love what I do, and I love where I am, enough that these re-entries require a transition, but I settle in pretty quickly.

The hardest part is losing the time for writing.

Many people will say to me that they hope I had a great time while on vacation. I wasn’t on vacation, and I never am, when I’m on the Oregon coast. I am working the whole time – but on writing. This time fit that bill exactly. I’ve been working on two books, and while I was out there, I finished the poetry book, all the way down to writing the intro. I also finished the first draft of my new novel, and started the second. Going into a second draft always feels like turning a major corner – I’m still writing, but I’m really doing more shaping, finessing, molding. Someone once described sculpting to me as starting with a big chunk of clay and simply cutting away everything that doesn’t look like your vision. Rewriting is the same. I know what the book is about now. Going through it for the second time (and the third, and the fourth…) is all about making it say it louder, clearer, until it just rings with the truth of it.

The biggest thing, for me, is that when I’m on the coast, I am living the life that I thought I was going to live. When I realized who and what I was, it was still possible to earn your living as a writer. I went to readings and book launches where the writers talked about being sent on six-week book tours, cross country or even internationally, and then coming home and sitting at their desk and writing the next book while the publishing house continued to publish the book they just finished. I sat in those audiences, and I dreamed.

I started writing before I knew I was writing. At the age of 11, I was told I was a writer and that word just rolled over me and fit like a new layer of skin. I sold my first story at 15. And bit by bit, I built my entire world and my entire life around writing. Teaching entered into my life when I was 35. I opened AllWriters’ when I was 45. If I’m not writing, I’m editing. If I’m not editing, I’m teaching. If I’m not teaching, I’m advocating.

It’s just who I am. And when I’m in Oregon, I am living the life of my dreams. Everything falls into place.

I’ve been going round and round with someone who just doesn’t get it. And it surprises me that he doesn’t, because he writes, and he publishes some as well. But he tells me he enjoys writing (so do I), but he doesn’t write with an eye on the end product, on where it’s going to go, or who will read it. And that’s where our similarities stop. I write for the reader; he seems to write for himself, and if publication is involved, well, so much the better.

To me, that’s like comparing someone who absolutely loves running, who goes out running every day, no matter what the weather, and just feels oh so good when they run, with someone who is out to win Olympic gold.

There is a step beyond enjoyment. There is a step beyond the passion for writing. There is the need for reach. I reach and reach and reach with my writing. It’s why I often tackle the difficult subjects. So much can be learned and resolved through story.

So this time, when I was in Oregon, I actually got to the point where I lost track of days and times. I slept until I wasn’t tired. When I wasn’t tired, I was awake and working. I ate only when I was hungry, and when I ate, it wasn’t in front of my computer, checking emails, but at the kitchen table with a good book. My coffee break was an actual break, out on the deck, with an iced French Toast latte from the coffee shack down the road beside me, that good book in my hand, and the ocean keeping me company.

When my latte was done, I went back inside and wrote some more.

I said earlier that when the word writer was used to identify me, it fit like a new layer of skin. When I’m in Oregon, that layer of skin is topmost and I am at my most comfortable, my most fulfilled…my absolute happiest. The other layers of skin – teacher, advocate, business owner, mother, and yes, wife is still there too – are there, but they aren’t predominant. Who I am is. Writer.

Being back home, those other layers are back out and strong again. I was welcomed by family. Students and clients were happy to see me. My dog about twirled herself to madness when she saw me, and one of the cats immediately climbed up and tucked herself under my chin. The other cat was angry with me, but by that evening, he was back in my lap. One cat gave me a face wash. The other tried to chew on my glasses. The dog sat on my feet and turned her head upside down and backwards to see me. And all was right with my world.

Thanks to Oregon, I remember who I am, which is who I set out to be. Remembering who I am leaves me awake and present again. I now have a new role – widow. But I realized, being away, that adding that role does not make me less. My home situation is different, but I am not.  I am still the author Kathie Giorgio. I am still the director and founder of AllWriters’ Workplace & Workshop. I’m still Mom to my big kids, Mama to Olivia. I still have my eyes wide open and set on what I want to accomplish – and I still believe I can accomplish it.

Coming home, I settled back into myself in this new version of my life, the version that is without Michael.

So the Moment of Happiness? I feel better right now than I have in a year and a half. I feel more like myself than I have since that year and a half started.

I’m just fine.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.