And so today’s moment of happiness despite the news.
I went in for the needle biopsy today, a result of a mammogram gone south last week. I was scared going in; the image of “needle biopsy” that flared in my head involved a syringe that probably would have been more appropriate for drilling into concrete. But the procedure was painless, thank goodness. I was worried about the numbing agent, since I’m immune to novocaine. But what they use, while it’s similar to what dentists use, is a shade different, and that shade made the difference. I didn’t feel a thing.
It’s a very strange thing, having a numb breast.
The sound of the needle collecting samples was exactly like the sound of an ear-piercing gun. That surprised me too, and while I lay there, staring at a ceiling that was supposed to look like the Milky Way, my arm over my head, I idly wondered about that. Was it a sign? Should I have pierced my nipples years ago, instead of piercing my ears three times in one, four times in the other? Then none of this would be happening?
I also caught the irony of staring at the Milky Way in a room that is for breasts. God help me, I giggled on the table.
Writers are like that. We think in metaphor, simile, symbol. So we look for things. It keeps us busy.
When I got home, I found a card in the mail from one of my students. In it, it said, “So here you are on this journey of facing fears – all these opportunities to dump fears and increase resilience.”
So I sat with that for a while. It’s true, I have had to face a lot of fears lately.
*fear of pretty much everything for a while – a result of last November’s assault;
*fear of standing up for myself and for who I am by leaving my original publisher – would I ever be published again? (new novel is coming out September 7);
*fear of the dentist;
*fear of being in a plane – not of flying, but of being sealed inside without an escape;
*fear of losing everything when my husband suddenly lost his job;
*fear that my daughter would be forever changed when she went through a life-changing experience;
*and now this. A fear of cancer.
And then, while I was thinking about this, I began to laugh. Because I have one more. Not a fear, but a sign or a symbol. Are you ready for this?
Among all the students I have writing novels, I have one I’ve been working with in coaching who just finished his book. His title is – really truly – “Face Your Fears”.
OH, FOR CRIPES’ SAKE!
I get the message.
And I have no intention of piercing my nipples.
And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.