3/7/24

And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.

Last week, I was asked to be on a local television channel’s morning talk show, to talk about Michael’s accident and the fundraiser associated with it. I’ve been on this show many times, always talking about my latest book release, or presenting as a spokesperson for the Southeast Wisconsin Festival of Books. It felt really odd, going on the show for a totally different reason. A totally awful reason. But I was eager – I’ve suddenly become passionate about pedestrian safety, for obvious reasons, and it seemed like this would be a wonderful way to get the word out, in the area where the accident happened.

Over the years, I’ve done a lot of appearances like this, and so I no longer get nervous, particularly when it’s in a space that I recognize. The big yellow couch – sat on it before. Talking with the hostesses – I know them well. Watching the cameras zoom around without any people attached to them because they’re controlled by computer – weird, but that’s just how it is. And so when I settled on the set, it all felt familiar and comfortable.

The questions came and I answered. That’s the way interviews work. Ask, answer, ask, answer. We even took the time to call hello to Michael, who I knew was watching from his hospital room. He was being transferred to rehab later that morning, and so a sense of celebration was in the air.

And then they asked me a question which just threw me for a loop. This doesn’t happen much anymore; I can usually tell what’s coming. But they brought up my blog, this one that I’m writing for right now, and the book associated with it, Today’s Moment Of Happiness Despite The News; A Collection of Spontaneous Essays, which is the entire first year of the blog when I wrote it every single day. “You’re so positive!” the hostesses said. “So how are you staying positive with this experience?”

Positive?

In that moment, I wanted to shout, “I’m not positive! I’m angry! And I’m sad! And I’m going crazy, trying to stay on top of everything I suddenly have to stay on top of! How can I possibly be positive about a situation where my husband was nearly killed?”

But the professional in me kicked in, and luckily, they also gave me a lead-in, mentioning the sand dollar blog I wrote a couple weeks ago. So I followed up with that and got through it.

When it was done and I was back in my car, driving toward the hospital where our next adventure awaited us (ambulance ride, settling in to the rehab), I pondered this, and I’ve continued to ponder this.

First, they think I’m a positive person. I don’t think of myself as a positive person; I usually struggle with it, which is part of the point of this whole blog. The positive doesn’t come to me naturally. I have to look for it.

And second, they thought I had an answer to how I stayed positive during this time. Which means they think I am staying positive during this time, despite the fact that I wanted to stand up and shout, “This whole situation sucks!”

And so maybe…maybe…well, maybe I’m succeeding at finding the positive, even when I’m being challenged to the greatest extreme. Maybe.

I have a hard time accepting that, so I continued to think about it through the rest of that day, and in this week that’s followed.

And, well, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am handling this pretty well. Even during the times when I feel like I’m not handling it at all.

As I sat down to write this blog this morning, I took a moment to just actually sit, with my hands folded in my lap, and look around.

My home is intact. My bed is made. My cat and dog, Muse and Ursula, are fed and sleeping close by. The dishwasher is full of clean dishes. My laundry is done, folded, and put away. There are groceries in my cupboards and fridge.

I just finished meeting with my three morning clients. This evening, I will meet with three more. Total, this week, I taught 3 classes, with a total of 35 students, and met with 20 clients. Every manuscript was read, critiqued, and the discussion was ready to go.

My next novel, Don’t Let Me Keep You, was not only turned in on deadline, it was turned in early. I finished it in the ICU. In the ICU!

I’ve kept up with this blog, even though each week since the accident, I’ve wondered what the hell I’m going to write about.

And the hardest thing – I managed to make a clear-headed decision about the quality of life my cat Edgar was having, and I was able to make the appointment, get him there, and be by his side as he was helped to the other side.

In a little bit, I’ll be heading out to the rehab to see what Michael is up to today. This week has been a huge one in terms of leaps ahead. Michael is now pretty much fully in the present time. His brain is no longer forcing him back 20 years. I am his wife, not his sister. On Monday, I watched as he took his first steps in 7 weeks. He held on to the parallel bars and he had a therapist in front of him and to either side…but damned if he didn’t walk. He did it three times.

24 hours before, he was barely standing.

“Look at me,” he said, looking over a therapist’s shoulder and locking eyes with me. “I’ve become an old man.”

“Funny,” I said. “You’re putting me more in mind of a toddler.”

And we laughed. LAUGHED.

The next day, I didn’t see it, but he walked briefly with a walker.

I am no longer worried about if Michael will come home. Instead, I am starting preparations for him to arrive.

I’m reading a novel.

I’ve played Animal Crossing.

Over the weekend, I went out to dinner with 2 of my kids, and we went to see a movie. American Fiction is amazing. And while there was a person missing, someone who is usually by my side wasn’t there, it still felt incredibly close to normal.

I’m sleeping at night.

You know what?

I am staying positive about this whole thing. I have my moments of tears and extreme frustration. I have my moments of fear and of feeling completely ignorant. And mostly, I have my moments of the most overwhelming, all-encompassing rage at this driver who caused this, and this city which doesn’t seem to care. Those moments are hard to deal with, because I just don’t know what to do with it when it hits.

But I think these moments are all part of staying positive. Because eventually, even in the midst of the great anger, I take a deep breath and move on to the next thing in my life, whether it’s taking care of my husband, taking care of students, taking care of the house, taking care of my kids or Ursula or Muse, or taking care of me.

I guess the whole point of this week’s post is just this: I’m doing okay.

Which is saying a lot right now. It’s saying enough. Sometimes, a Moment of Happiness is simply a Moment of Well-Being.

And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.

If you would like to see the interview on the television show, here is the link:

Local Author Finds Her Next Chapter To Be Challenging (tmj4.com)

Michael in rehab, holding the pillow I had made for him from a photo of Ursula. No, he’s not winking. The muscles around that eye were affected by the accident and are causing his eyelid to droop.

5 Replies to “3/7/24”

  1. Yes, despite it all, you ARE doing okay! Being positive is hard work! I’m so glad you acknowledged all the effort you put into the work you’re doing! Its no small feat…♥️ Michael looks great, by the way ????

  2. People like to pretend that being positive is something singular. A trick or talent that can be completed one and done. A knack that some people might not have or be unable to acquire. You and your blog are embodying the truth that being positive, being okay in the face of catastrophe, is a series of hard-won choices and habitual discipline. It isn’t a knack and it can involve tears and strawberry shake messes and rage and a diversity of moments of Grace (sand-dollar shaped ones no less!) from a community near and far. You and your blog are inspiring me because working at positivity every day and week a bit at a time is a lot more achievable and sustainable than a unique gimmick or knack. Thanks for being you and choosing to share all of this. This is where I would normally put a hug emoji, BTW.

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