And so this week’s moment of happiness despite the news.
Over these five weeks since Michael’s “accident”, I’ve been amazed with the generosity and compassion of people. I’ve been rained on with well wishes, lovely emails, Starbucks cards, restaurant cards, gasoline cards, and more.
And then yesterday, a student visited me to deliver a care package. Inside, among other things, I found a tissue-wrapped object. When I opened it, I found…a sand dollar.
A sand dollar!
My student said, “It was my mother’s. I thought you would like it.”
Oh my.
Many of you may already know about my experiences with sand dollars. Here’s a recap.
In 2015, I went to the Oregon coast to my favorite little house for a two-week retreat from the world. I was not in good shape. I was feeling the most depressed and the most desperate and the most worthless that I ever had. When I arrived on the coast, I dropped my suitcases, ran through the house and out the sliding glass doors and down to where the ocean met the sand. And I yelled, asking the ocean and the world and the universe what they all wanted from me and what else I could do. Why, I asked, should I even try anymore? Why was I breathing? When the waves didn’t part with answers, I told the ocean or God or whomever that, if I was on the right path in my life, if my life was worth it, let me find a whole sand dollar. A whole sand dollar. In all the years I went to the Oregon coast, I only found bits and pieces.
And then I settled in to wait for an answer, to see if one would even come.
One very foggy evening, I was walking the beach. The fog in this part of the Oregon coast is magical. It sparkles. It was like walking in a glitter storm while the ocean breathed steadily beside me. From far away, I watched as an old man approached me. No matter which way I moved, he kept adjusting his movements so that he came directly toward me. Eventually, he stopped, and we were face to face, nose to nose. I noticed I didn’t feel scared. Without saying hello, he smiled at me and said, “Have you found a whole sand dollar?”
I was stunned. “No!” I said. “I’ve been looking for one!”
He pulled three whole sand dollars out of his pocket and held them out to me. “Choose one,” he said.
I did. And I never saw the man again. I went home and I kept on working. I kept on trying. I kept on believing.
Why “Choose one”? Why three? I think it’s because I did indeed choose this life that I’m living.
In 2017, I had breast cancer and couldn’t go to the Oregon coast during treatment. A friend of mine went to the coast and as he stood there, gazing at the ocean, he thought of me. And then he felt a bump on his foot. Looking down, he found…a whole sand dollar. He brought it home to me.
In 2018, I returned to the coast. Again, I dropped my suitcases and ran out to the ocean. “You didn’t tell me my path included cancer!” I yelled. And then I asked, if I was going to be okay, that I again find a whole sand dollar, but this time on my own, without anyone bringing it to me.
On my last day there, I walked out to say goodbye to the ocean. As I stood there, there was a bump on my little toe. I looked down and found a teeny tiny…whole sand dollar.
And now, here we are in 2024. In the middle of the greatest chaos I’ve ever faced. 2197 miles away from my special spot on the Pacific Ocean. I’ve asked myself a million times if Michael is going to survive. If I am going to survive. If I am capable of dealing with this, if I am doing everything I should, if I have any idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve felt totally overwhelmed and over my head.
And now, all of a sudden, I’m holding a sand dollar from a special student. A whole sand dollar.
There couldn’t be a more comforting thing. There couldn’t be a more perfect thing.
Everything is going to be all right. I’m still on the right path. I am capable. I can do this.
And Michael is right beside me.
And yes, that helps. Despite. Anyway.
